My Love
by flashpenguin
Summary: One year after Em's death, a case makes Dave reevaluate his life and career. First in the "You Won't Get To Heaven Alive" series.


_This came to me the other night after "Lauren". It's been one year since Em left the BAU and Dave is still taking it pretty hard. Now that age is finally catching up with him, he decides that maybe it's time to move on and call it quits for real. First in the "You Won't Get To Heaven Alive series"._

_I don't own Criminal Minds. _

_Song prompt: "My Love" by Westlife_

_Dedicated to Michaela, Becky, Alii, and Tracia….four of the best friends a person can have!_

**My Love**

David Rossi was getting too old for this shit. At least that was the most logical thought he had go thru his head after he got a clean bill of health from the physician who checked him out in the emergency room. Four hours of tests, CAT scan, and four x-rays later it was determined that the concussion was nothing serious but the tear in his ACL might need surgery if the meds and rehab didn't work out.

Two weeks of hobbling on crutches around his spacious home while the team went on cases without him was more than enough to hit home that he was getting old and maybe it was time - once again - to hang it up and call it a day. Why not? Hotch and Morgan were out doing him in the chasing UNSUBs down and kicking in doors department…even Seaver who was supposed to be a breath of fresh air was showing him up.

He told himself that he missed writing. The last bout of writer's block had scared him to the point where he began to doubt his talent. That had never happened before. Maybe it was a sign that he was supposed to get his priorities straight and stop playing the hero. If nothing else, the last case really made him reevaluate his life.

Looking around at the bustling bull pen, his heart squeezed painfully at the thought of leaving everything behind for a second time, but what choice did he have? He couldn't go on catching the bad guys forever and though the team was the closest thing to a family and a solid relationship he had ever had, even he knew that all good things must come to an end eventually. Lord knew he didn't want to end his life with regrets. Not like Prentiss…

Shaking his head clear, he walked to Hotch's closed door and knocked lightly. Waiting for the invite, he turned the knob and stepped inside.

Looking up from his stack of folders, Hotch scrutinized his best friend. "Dave. Come in," he offered and removed his glasses. "What's wrong?"

Dave took the chair across from the desk and sat down heavily. "I need to talk to you, Aaron."

"I'm listening."

"I've been thinking…and I have decided that it's time to make it official - for real this time - and retire."

Hotch looked at Dave, as if sizing him up, before replying. "I can't say that I'm surprised to hear that, but I wasn't expecting that right now. May I ask what brought this decision on?"

Dave templed his fingers in thought. "I've been considering it for a while now, but this last case made me realize that I'm getting a little too old to keep chasing after UNSUBs. My glory days are over," he answered cynically.

"Dave…" Hotch began and stopped.

"It's true; I've been down this road twice and accomplished more the second time around than even I could ever imagine. But it's time to move on."

"Are you sure you aren't doing this to satisfy your ego?"

"No ego is involved this time. The thrill isn't there any more. I go to work and then I go home. But nothing feels right anymore. There is no fun.""

"I understand. It's been rough for all of us."

Dave shook his head. "No, I don't think you do. The fire is gone from my belly. Two mornings ago I sat on the edge of the bed and had to will myself to get up and come into work. I thought it might be that I was getting old, but the same feeling greeted me this morning. I need to leave."

Hotch swallowed. Dave's words were so real and so…final. What could he possibly say to make him change his mind? Probably nothing. "Dave…"

"Hotch, I know that this is the last thing you needed to hear this morning, and I know it isn't going to give you enough time to find a replacement, but I really need to get out of here." Dave stood up and paced the room. "It's funny…I hated Jason for leaving you guys without warning or so much as a 'fare thee well', but now I know how he felt."

The room was filled with a heavy silence.

"It was fun the first time I was here, but after Ruby Ridge and Waco, I thought it was time to move on, but looking back, I just needed to get away. I guess I could blame that for my third marriage," Dave commented wryly.

"I wondered what brought that one on," Hotch smiled softly.

"But this is different. I have to get away before I'm consumed. I'm almost at the age where the FBI is going to force me to retire and I don't want to be led out the door kicking and screaming like Hoover was."

"Are you sure it's that helping make your decision and not something else?" Hotch wondered a loud.

"Profiling me?" Dave asked, raising an eyebrow in mock surprise.

Hotch steadied his gaze. "It's a habit of mine…especially when I think my friends are trying to bullshit me." Standing up, he rounded the desk and walked over to where Dave stood. "I don't doubt that you have retirement feelings…this last case was hard for all of us…but I know that Emily has been on your mind."

Dave tried to hide the helpless look in his eyes, but failed. Looking downward, he dropped his shoulders and sighed.

"I understand, Dave," Hotch sympathized, "her…loss was a blow to all of us."

"I just feel like I failed her. I should have put the pieces together sooner. I should have noticed that there was something off kilter when she started pulling away from the team."

"None of us noticed it. Emily has always been a little reserved when it came to her emotions. But you said it yourself that she was protecting us."

"We should have been protecting her," Dave growled, the pain still raw in his voice.

"She had to confront him on her own. She didn't know what he had up his sleeve when it came to mercenaries. They got thru security systems and gated communities to wipe out families…" Hotch trailed off. "I didn't tell the team this, but Doyle had dossiers on _all_ of us." Dave looked up sharply at the Unit Chief.

"What do you mean 'dossiers'?"

"He knew _everything_ about us - where we live, our routines, our families…the names of all three of your ex-wives…Morgan's sisters' and mother's addresses…JJ and Henry…even Jack and Jessica were on his list. He had it all planned out how he was going to take us down so he could break Emily." Hotch waited to let his words sink in. "He was going to take you out first," Hotch finished.

It took a lot to shake Dave, but what Hotch said made him blink. "What?"

"He was going to work his way down the list until he got to Emily. Nothing we could have done would have changed it."

"So she sacrificed herself?" No anger, just sadness at all that had been lost.

"She did what she had to do," Hotch corrected. _As did I,_ he added silently. "I know you've been taking her death harder than everyone else, but I don't want it to be the reason why you throw everything out the window."

"I've thought it over, Aaron, and it's the best thing for me right now."

Hotch nodded. "I know; I've been there after Haley. I should have quit…everything in me wanted to quit, but it wasn't what I needed. I still had things to do…bad guys to catch…"

"Except for one," Dave replied. "Doyle is still out there."

"I know. That's why I can't let you quit. We still have to catch him. He is still here in the States looking for his son and he isn't going to stop until he finds him or we kill him," Hotch reminded in a bitter tone. "I can't let you go."

"Aaron…"

"Dave, we _are _going to catch Doyle and he is going to pay for what he did to Emily and the others, but I want you there when we take him down. If you are retired, that can't happen. You owe Emily and the team that much."

"They are going to force me out next year."

Hotch shrugged. "Maybe. Fifty-eight is the average age. You are too valuable an agent for them to put out to pasture."

"What can I do? Spend the next ten years hobbling after UNSUBs? My knees can't take another ten years," Dave groused. "My heart can't take another ten years."

"So, you're serious about this retirement?" Hotch asked.

"Yes."

"How long have we known each other?"

"Nearly twenty years…give or take."

"And you trust me?"

"With my life," Dave commented matter of fact.

"Then trust me on this: don't rush into a second retirement; think about it. You have time on the books that you have to use or lose. Take a sabbatical, write a book, stay at home and get your knee up to par…but don't throw away the only thing that has made you happier than any woman."

"Aaron, I don't know…"

"Then…" Hotch cut him off, "then after you've taken a while to think things through, and if you still want to retire, then you may. Personally, I think you ought to stay on and teach the interrogation and profiling classes over at the academy."

Dave considered everything Hotch said. For a long time neither man spoke as each waited for the other to speak. Finally, Dave broke the silence.

"I will take into consideration what you've told me, but I want to make it clear that if I come back at the end of thirty days and I still feel the same, you will sign my papers."

Hotch held the older agent's gaze. "I understand." Turning on his heel, he walked to his desk and pulled out a drawer. Taking a manila envelope out, he grasped it tightly. Everything could backfire, but it was the risk he had to take.

"What is that?" Dave asked warily.

"Your leave orders. You have approximately…" Hotch looked at his watch and calculated the time, "twenty minutes to organize your office and get out of here before I get Morgan to escort you out." He handed the envelope to Dave.

Taking it, Dave looked at it. "You had this planned?"

"Yes."

"You profiled me."

Hotch shrugged. "I learned from the best." Sitting down, he watched the man he had come to love and respect as a brother. The team had lost so much over the past year but if he could save one person, then maybe everything could begin to balance out. "You don't have much time," he reminded the older agent.

"I don't have a say?"

"No."

"Son of a bitch," Dave growled under his breath. "What did Erin have to say about this?"

"Her usual, but I'm betting that you're coming back."

Dave turned toward the door but stopped. He opened the flap and pulled out the papers. "Wait, this says forty-five days!"

"As Unit Chief, I have to do what is best for my team and personnel. Forty-five days is just a round number. If you decide to come back before then, the door is open, but I don't want to see you for at least thirty days. If you show up to the BAU before thirty days, I will have you arrested."

Dave ground out a curse in Italian. "I hate you sometimes."

"No you don't because you don't have to deal with Strauss. Now go. You have fifteen minutes."

Dave turned the knob and started to walk out. "Thank you, Aaron."

"See you in thirty days," Hotch replied.

* * *

A/N: Look for Dave & Em's story "Innocence Lost" - the second in the series!


End file.
